birthing silence from chaos

I have thought about how to write this post and full bleeding honesty is my only option…

On paper it has been a horrible year with everything braking. My leg, my heart, my bank, and finally the law. Despite some efforts at the middle path every decision made, often in haste or passion, has ended in proper disaster.

It was a year exactly since I packed up my life in Maui headed to the jungle of Peru for a two week Ayahuasca retreat that I never returned from. No garden of eden however, more like Fitzgerald’s “This side of Paradise”. All these stories of people’s lives transformed once they unioned with the sacred plant world was lost to me, seemingly. My good intentions indeed paved my road to hell as I gave out mixed messages and held onto my poisons and pain I thought were magically erased by the 17 aya sessions I did.

“Ain’t no quick fix at the end of a needle.” jay-z

I will not say I lost a year, I’ve climbed volcanoes and partied with flamingos in the salt flats of Bolivia; drove a shift gear illegally across countries solo to a island of sun temples during the eclipse; made love on a train cross country (thank you Madonna); swum with Pink Dolphins in the Rio Negro and caught piranha in the Amazon, I’ve sailed the Nile and slept in the tombs of kings. I found family in Flinder’s Island, Tasmania. Made wonderful friends that fill my heart with proper joy around the world. Yet when the lights dimmed on these epic epochs and I was once again in my own dark hotel room the killer sadness would creep from the marrow of my bones into my blood and boil with the pain of misunderstood ignorance.

While corporate city living no longer fulfilled my soul it seems neither did an endless vacation, “living the dream” was exactly that.

I desperately wanted roots and through this desperation I landed in a witchy lil town of Salem with yet another ill suited suitor, waking up in a world that wasn’t mine. All the while going back to black- more smoke, more champagne for the pain, more risky decisions… cycles of insanity on repeat.

I knew looking in the mirror at a puffy, red eyed, monster that was me I needed help but felt no call to where. Utterly lost, adrift on my ocean of discontent madness. Roaming lands with the hungry ghosts. Haunted dreams of unfulfilled quests I no longer had the strength or clarity to pick up.

It took a push down some stairs to make me wake up. I had everywhere to go and no where I wanted to be. A proper crisis took hold of me. If not for my dear friends in sunny cali and some gentle repairs I am not sure where I’d be now. Here I was, single, turning 39, no job, no house, no kids, worst physical shape of my life and creeping around the planet with a broken foot. Nothing society deemed respectable or of value in my current form of living.

“I was a human martini- shaken and stirred”

An earthquake hit while I was getting a psychic reading

It was time to move on but where?! My monkey brain was out of control. All the cali weed and slow drip of wine I’d gotten myself addicted to wasn’t helping either. Crazy what we will do to ourselves in moments of panic. After a year of conscious effort to be a better person I was on fire with pain and suffering. I had never treated people so well and tried so hard only to have the worst year ever. Silly bear thought it was that easy…

Finally I called my agent and asked for a flight from John Wayne, I couldn’t even get my shit together enough for LAX. Too daunting. Even packing gave me anxiety.

The warrior in me was disgusted and left for the mountains to wait for the rest of me to catch up.

Through no other decision making filter other than “Far, far, away” I choose a place where I knew one thing about, Angkor Wat. A last kiss and hug to my friends and I was once again in the skies, 21 hours later entering the Kingdom of Cambodia. Then Malaysia and the mistake of Thailand. Still in a whirlwind of my own lack of clarity and confidence I somehow made the call to go to India for Vipassana. Now how I thought a 10 day silent retreat was the best thing for me is remarkable given my current state. Carried by the wings of my guardian angels, for sure. Even in my darkest and most destructive hour I managed to make the first really good decision for myself in quite some time.

By the time I woke up on the day of travel to India I was in dire straits

Thailand was not good to me. I behaved poorly and the day/night before travel partied all over the island losing my cell phone, losing money, and ultimately my mind. Got into a motor bike accident and spent hours hanging out with Thai prostitutes dancing on a pole with my broken foot. My Japanese university exchange student self showed much more self control and respect. Shame on all my houses.

My punishment was omnipresent the next day as I threw up all the way to India. I could not eat or drink anything. I was dehydrated and going into shock. I had to take a tok tok over bumpy roads to a ferry that poured gasoline into my mouth with each breathe, and missed my first flight to bangkok and by the time I arrived in Jaipur I was poor beyond all measures. This time broken and bent.

My auto pilot self checked into a high end palace and cried out what liquid was left in my bloated and sick body. I did not recognize my face. My heart hurt so bad it was physical. Maybe I could just die. It would be easier than Vipassana. I was not ready for buddha. I was not ready for 10 days of silence with myself. I had not meditated. Ever, really. Fear and loathing consumed me.

Lunch time of July 18th I had my last wine, cig and meat curry. I made it to the center and got the same feeling to leave as I did during Ayahuasca, which my rational self understood was a sign I was in the right place. So undisciplined and unruly. Even though I was killing myself slow/fast I didn’t want the help. Or I did but not the work. Definitely not this kinda work. I’ll spare you the details of the 10 days but needless to say it was HARD beyond anything I have EVER done. If Aya was going beyond my fear of death and connecting with the multiverse, this was me under a microscope hourly.

Each hour was open heart surgery without anesthesia

I never looked at the schedule and thank goodness. 4am bell, with non-stop meditation till 9:30pm. All in silence. Now we all know the age old saying “Know Thyself” intellectually but until you do something of this level it remains and idea. A cute quote without bones. I was going deeper than I ever imagined possible. There was not retreat now. I’d surrendered my passport, cell phone, and valuables and signed two contracts saying I would not leave. My room was called a “cell” and I saw no difference between this and a prison at first.

It was super clear my monkey mind was allowed to run the show and given the resources and lack of responsibility it had unbridled access to it was quite the spectacular show. I knew I over-relied on my tools, such as my cell phone or money, but wasn’t thinking my mind was a tool that I’d allowed to hijack the entire operation. My deep cravings/desires and equally strong aversions had created a drastic and dangerous world of polarities from which I swung about. No balance or center which is needed for any kind of growth or clarity. I was a human circus in my own universe. Desperately seeking Bianca from the outside. Trashing my beautiful body. Abusing my brain. Vipassana teaches that we are the sum of our sankhara, these units of desire and aversion that arise from our subconscious. Only when we learn the art of living, awareness and equanimity, can we live without suffering.

All good for Buddha but I still felt the suffering very much. 12 hours a day I felt it and even in my dreams it hurt. Slowly, slowly the pain faded into a realization that everything was indeed impermanent. Even my pain. Especially this life. My many lives in this one was full evidence of that. The carnival kid, the Orphan; the Private school girl; the Exchange student; the Career woman; the International party girl; the Seeker; all impermanent. The takeaway here is why give so much attention and energy to something that is like the wind, but less real!! Only a construct like the ego would have it any other way. Acceptance and letting go.

Day 8 a proper surrender overcome me like peace. HOLY SHIT, I was finally getting peace in the midst of my self inflicted fire pits of hell. There was a way out of my suffering. The matrix of this world is not designed for us to go deep. We fear silence and are a stranger to ourselves beyond skin deep metrics. How do you answer “Who am I”…

I was breaking open. Faith and persistence were untying the bonds of my mind, I was feeling liberated at a level I never thought possible. Better than all the highs I’d chased artificially without the low blows. This was magic. Natural magic. Sensations came and went, I started loving the golden pagoda that I previously saw as a symbol of other people’s happiness. The 40 steps to my meditation cushion now walked with ease and grace. The monkeys, peacocks, chipmunks, and birds were delightful companions to the garden of eden I suddenly realized I was in. No longer a prison, I was in heaven. Colors brighter, food tasted glorious, and the night sky and warm breeze carried messages of hope and love to me as they have done since eternity. The whisper of the universe suddenly shouting “welcome home” and my heart burst at the simple act of being alive. All the cliches I had read about vibrated with truth across my entire body/mind. I looked in the mirror, “hello, old friend”, and cried tears from caves of ages that were stagnant and trapped. My own personal inferno quenched.

to discover i was the sum of my sankharas was frightening

…then totally freeing.

All this time I was travelling, running, hiding, seeking external validation. The last few years a replacement for the cubical nightmare but during the process had enslaved myself further. What silly madness. How obvious. Happily embarrassed. Content to understand I had much to unlearn before filling up with true wisdom and truth.

“The difficulty lies, not in new ideas, but in escaping from the old ones, which ramify, for those brought up as most of have been, into the corners of our minds."

This is a lifetime’s work. Daily practice. Drinking, smoking, partying, and sex are off the table. Currently in India this has been relatively easy. The tests will come often and with intensity, I am guaranteed. I catch myself smelling a cig and pleasure receptors spike. See a couple sharing a bottle of wine and desire flares up. Imagine all the boys and swim up bars missing me… I no longer expect to “cure” myself of these desires and aversions but with remain the watcher of my thoughts. Fully aware of the Maya. Fully aware of my human nature also! Part of the fun of this incredible journey from lower to higher self. Nothing great comes easy in the ‘real world, we study for years, do our apprenticeships, takes years/decades to become a master of anything. Same applies to mastering self. As above, so below… As within, so without… Universal truths.

I’ve been in the cross roads of old versus new life. Dangerously straddling two boats trying to get to the other side.

For now this is a step on the path that brings me a sense of calm, peace. Doing this fully sober versus the hallucinogenic nature of the jungle plant medicine has so far made staying strong and focused easier. No meat, no sex, no wine, no cigs, no cali green. Keen to see how this colors my journey now. Feels great to be committed in a firm way with myself. Discipline and surrender to enter flow state. This is HUGE shift and I have to ask am I even capable of living a year in the way of Buddha? Let’s see… I sure am sick and tired of my own BS and all that comes out of that lifestyle of destructive chaos.

I always felt like my mind was a supercharged vehicle I never learned to drive. I’ve parked the ferrari and kicked off the heels, barefoot, open hearted. The path looks bright from here. One step at a time and even if I slip, you can be damn sure I’ll get back up. Because that is what wild women do.

And they don’t regret it.