crystalization of process
Art of sitting still- doorway to creativity and anxiety reduction.
Never came easy to me. When I see not easy I mean almost impossible. Always having to impulsively check Instagram during the movie, regardless of how interesting it was. Be eating or drinking while working on a project. Looking up vacations in Egypt whilst vacationing at a five-star resort in Hawaii. All the racket around multitasking is proving to be a load of rubbish. Not only are we creating extra anxiety we are getting very little accomplished in any kind of meaningful way. Increasing our pleasure has become a global past time. Yeah I have learned that these pleasures in the form of distractions and spontaneous/obsessive behaviors and thinking models is actually robbing us of true value in day to day life, making longer term planning harder, and a sustainable growth path hectic and blurred.
“Are cell phones destroying creativity? Podcast host, author, and relentless examiner of the modern human condition Manoush Zomorodi believes that they are. When we are bored, the brain enters what is called "default mode"—think about the way your mind wanders when you're in the shower or doing the dishes. This might not seem like valuable time but our creativity really kicks into high gear. We now use up a lot of that boredom-time by poking at our phones, and in doing so are starving ourselves of a main source of inspiration. This boredom issue goes beyond simple creativity: boredom is also useful for autobiographical planning and being able to solve big problems.”
I’m now on date 22 of my retreat. Seems I’m finally getting to a place where I’m no longer seeking to leave the property and sneak away for a quick spa treatment or check out the local Macado. Even though I’m spending a lot of money to be here and desperately want all the healing and growth potential that comes with it that nagging and persistent monkey brain telling me to do more, go elsewhere, persisted.
Anything of value and meaning takes time. We as in modern society will have a hard time relearning learning these lessons of old. In our desperate bid to innovate and build ourselves as modern day self-egoic gods we make progress in many areas but often the true self is left far behind in that wild algorithm of progress at all costs.
Without sounding like a jump on the bandwagon spiritual light person, meditation practice with yoga has finally started to pay off. And it’s opening more doors. I’ve always considered myself a poor painter and singer, and yet have been practicing alone and found a lot of creativity flowing from this. In New York I really start to enjoy any form of nature even in Central Park it was to get to some happening. Silent walk in the mountains with a short 30 minute meditation has Done wonders for my soul and a something easily carried through the rest of my life. It’s these little things that do you make the big things of creativity goal setting and giving out false self to what we are doing in the moment possible.
My addiction to distractions to avoid my true feelings- whether to dull pain or increase spurts of happiness were diabolical to overall and true progress. We are students of life and staying curious about one’s own self is a big key to unlocking the world outside.
So now when I think about some happening in the world going on without me instead of that reactive reaction to jump online and soak it all up I’m learning to resist. Finding such beauty in my fragile sobriety and the opening from that that allows me to take in the now. For as we theoretically know, it’s all we have.
Life is not in the theory but in the practice. I’m starting to enjoy a self-imposed restrictions, far from the resentful boarding school girl who rebelled at all costs, but as a creator of my own destiny and need to have structures around myself that support long term growth and ability of be fully present in my now.
Benjamin Franklin set out at the grand age of 20 to bring order to his character, regardless of situation and external pressure. I find these useful as he studied in earnest all the philosophical greats of age to bring this forth- each one was a F- for me previously. My ego would laugh in cynicism and go on its merry, mad, way. To my detriment.
So now I’m trying to weekly master one or more of the following-
1. Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. Industry. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
11. Tranquillity. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
13. Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.
Even when he was unable to reach the ideals of personal growth, by either his own vices or by circumstance, he was constantly able to improve by means of practice. And that, my friends, makes all the difference.
Man may have figured out science and how to dominate nature but our own nature’s run wild and with ignorance to our true self and importance of the collective.
I can be proud of many achievements but mastering my own nature & how it fits within the all is a lifelong journey that I’m glad I awoke to before old & filled with regret.
Gets more interesting when I even consider my “achievements” and how I’ve spent the bulk of my life. Leaning heavily into things that come naturally- like running a marathon in Maui when I was sick as a dog because I hadn’t done anything productive in a long time. Or taking days to go exploring for incredible photography that I post on Instagram. Not to mention a decade spent in corporate Manhattan media world because it was fun and exciting and it came naturally to me. Distractions or life goals. Certainly better than smoking weed and playing Xbox, and I’ve done my fair share of that also. Point being even our achievements can be us grappling with low hanging fruit this is being brave enough to go on a quest of life. The Dharma, for another term. Our specific life delivery that is unique to us, our fingerprint of the planet. Tapping into our true skills and matching that with with the planet needs. Another ad or media event certainly wasn’t it!
For once in my life I’m giving myself the permission and patience that it takes until my mind and heart agree on my go forth strategy. It’s all in me, and I’m living its fruition if it’s the last thing I do. That or we keep coming back till we get it right, and I’d rather go this time singing ole blue eyes- “I did it my way”...
going deeper…
Any grandiose dreams I had of following the typical corporate capitalism route have subsided, I only hope I have the courage and determination to follow this new path. Now at the age of 38 with it already many countries traveled and much achieved in terms of traditional success it’s time to give myself to a higher cause of helping others. We are often weirded out by terms like spirituality & giving back mostly because we are so far removed from both.
Far from the bubble protection of spirituality or the soft nature of giving back (usually in the form of a tax free Cheque), Im diving headfirst into the depths of both in a real and meaningful way.
Precisely what it means I’m here to figure out but the two weeks in the Amazon jungle in the month in the Andes mountains working with the plants, shaman, incredible brave people around me have taking me to the depths of my soul and back again. What was not clear suddenly is. This life is precious again to me. A lifetime in the making. This was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, so many times of wanting to escape, telling myself I got on the wrong bus here. The trick of the ego knows no bounds. And until we realize that we are its victim.
I realise it been a spectator to my life, as we all can be through pursuing goals that are never really our own, judging our merits by our friends and society, ensuring the resumes is of gold standard. But who’s standard?!
Through watching sports, concerts, dinner parties, trips to the Caribbean, we feel we living life. I realise now that was not the purpose of why am here. It’s for more deeper, connecting with my unconscious, understanding and respecting my shadows, working to enter that place of universal oneness. No longer a philosophy or unattainable destination. I’m not protected by my material things, not my status. They never owned me I realise now. Delusion, illusion, madness, had a good hold of me, finally set free. That is with all of the Louis Vuitton handbags in the planet.
When God came to me in a bathtub when I was a little girl and asked me what I wanted I always said big boobs and experience everything. Well, he’s held up his end of the bargain now it’s time to hold up mine.
You can’t do two back to back retreats, one full silence and the other mostly so, in remote Amazon jungle and Andes Mountains without facing a shit ton of your demons.
Then add Ayahuasca, noya rao, bobinsana, and sprinkle on some San Pedro and you have got allot (ALLOT) Of shadow work and self reflection.
If you took up all the time in my life before this and then times it by I thousand it wouldn’t still come close to it the period of time I’ve spent in deep reflection and integration.
All needs are more than taken care of yet the brain screams and screams and screams, “I’m bored. I’m hungry. Get me out of here”. This happens on a continuous loop and despite my best attempts to meditate, take hikes in the mountains and jungle, sit in reflection of my appreciation for this unique and rare experience, the mind screams. I know it’s an illusion and diversion tactic to enable the ego to have its way of life back, yet the reality of this immense challenge stars back at me in real time.
And what of time?
“Oh it’s 4:02pm, only 3.5 hours till ceremony. Oh I don’t want to do ceremony tonight.”
“What time is it? 4:06. I should go check on the clothes drying even though they just got put out and make sure the cat has been petted to death”. Surely this wild feline needs my human love and care. “Oh yes, I’m very needed”.
4:26. BORED.
4:42. HELP.
4:44. I wonder what 444 means?!
4:45. I should research the crap out of “444” meaning and write my thesis on it.
4:49. I’m going to die alone and forgotten here. Hate myself and life. Why SO cruel.
4:55. Same thought as above.
No exaggeration or drama. Constant struggle on loop for days, weeks, months!! What have I done?! Must be mad.
When did we become so incapable of just sitting in a beautiful natural environment without technology, kids, or work, incessantly interrupting to relieve us of the self.
I know I’m not missing out on anything. I know this is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I’m in a secret an amazing place learning by the day, yet The torturous monkey mind continues to rule the day.
Meanwhile I have a empty art book and water paints, a library of incredible books I’ve always wanted to read, hammock in a lovely setting, yet never enough!! Such is the taming of the trickery & illusion of the monkey mind. Hard fucking work.
Somewhere along the lines of posts college and career taking off I forgot that life is a game of constant evolution. A battleground tests your physical mental and spiritual muscles over and over again. And other than limp away when a particular battle was lost we should be encouraged to go back into training. Lest we accept our defeat, retreating with negative emotions & harmful thoughts that do evolve into a reality. Often a very dark and self-destructive one. Some take years, decades, or never come back. Better to get back on that proverbial horse. Speaking first handedly of it. Even a paradise like Hawaii can become a pit of loneliness and self flagellation. Lessons earned. Situations learned. And on we go...