The aya experience
After nine hedonistic months in Maui doing as I pleased 24/7 the idea of heading into the strictest two weeks of my life, faced with uncertainties of what this ayahuasca was all about, this wasn’t exactly the kinda drug experiments I was accustomed to. No sex, sugar, spice, or anything nice for a two weeks prior. I vomited in the admiral lounge in Miami. Went out drinking and partying the night before my early flight to Pullculpa. Basically self sabotage at its finest.
Probably why my first, second, third, fourth, aya experience was dark and horrible. Pure hell. Never have I wanted with all my might to leave a place and never return. My own shame and determination keeping me hanging by a thread to this strange experience. In silence. In nightly horrors.
Day of ceremony is a long one waiting for the sun to go down and the moon to come up. Mother Ayahuasca works her magic in the dark of the night. So you have all day to agonise in your silence and fasting. Super fun game. All of your physical tortures just foreplay for the dark night of the soul.
At 8 PM we all gather in the Malorca, otherwise known as the ceremony space. All of us take our places on thin mattresses in a circle facing the Shaman. No one speaks as they set up the tools of the evening; mupacha (wild jungle tobacco) smoked with blessed pipes, alter offerings, and all kinds of wild jungle potions to ward off dark energy. Needless to say it doesn’t always work. And what work it is. After a ceremonial opening the 1st cup is served. The space between drinking the bitter, bitter liquid and the purging kicking in is truly a terrifying experience. Then it gets worse. About 20 to 30 minutes in you feel as though your stomach wants to jump out of your body, more often than not you have violent diarrhoea and purging at the same time. Even making it to the outside toilets covered in frogs and spiders is scary enough in the daytime let alone utterly incapacitated on ayahuasca. No word of exaggeration when you can’t even imagine how much can come out of the body even when fasting. And how frequently.
Then the visions kick in. My first time I never felt so actually in the wrong place in my life. It was gut wrenchingly horrible. I was taken to a dark realm where I was held physically frozen, unable to breathe and absolutely freezing. Faced with my own darkness and buried issues this goes on for anywhere from 6 to 8 hours. Then a number of hours more trying to pull my atoms back together.
Thankful that the experience was over, 1/4 through. MY GODS. I won’t survive. This happened to me on my first night, everyone promised me go better. It didn’t. Four nights in a row of total and utter agony, horror, and fear. I have never wanted to quit something some badly. Thinking the shaman to be evil, and even though I knew my fellow travelers to be good people I thought they were under her spell.
It is such a physical and mental test that I would not recommend this medicine for anyone that did not truly need it. FAR from a casual shroom trips at the beach- this stuff is serious business. Broken but not bent, I go into the fifth and final ceremony in the jungle shaking and unsure I could take anymore.
Maybe the shaman took pity on me or mother Aya deemed I passed a test, either way the dark lifted and it all become infinite and light. Worlds within worlds. Incredible temples minded by ancient ancestors. Jungle and garden realms filled with mythical creatures. You can merge with them or talk with them in the traveling state of Aya.
“Shamans, in their essential work as healers, are able to heal both the living and the the deceased. Shamans heal the living by performing rituals for power augmentation, for soul retrieval, illness extraction, and for depossession as well as other transpersonal healing modalities in which they are guided and assisted by their helping spirits. Shamans are truly the bridge between this world and the other realms”.
The shaman, set and setting, are key. But I found a surprise in the purpose & importance of the circle. Who you sit with can make it a horror story or lifted and supported in ways you couldn’t achieve alone. I’ve made friends on a deep level that I’ll carry in my heart forever.
Be careful who you choose in this very sacred and important work, after all we’re dealing with your soul. Not to be tampered with in some Brooklyn pop up Aya ceremony with house music and “fake spiritualist” of which there are many!!
There are tales of shamans using their power for evil, resulting in death. One Shaman gave a powerful plant “Toe” in addition to Aya and sent them into the jungle alone at night. One guy had a bad trip and wondered out on the road dying. The Shaman never was held responsible.
This is not a game to take lightly. The diet, the shaman, the source of the medicine, the location and the circle of people you engage in this deep work with are essential to healing not hurting.
I have now followed my shaman, Juanita, to the Tree Of Light‘s retreat and I am thrilled to have had the opportunity to work with her. She has extracted demons from my back, my eyes, had her fingers in my mouth, and pulled dark energy by sucking on my head and navel. I trusted her and I’m glad I did so. There’s no way to hide once you imagine the process. To make every decision very carefully. Once you do and surrender to the process results and nothing less than practical magic.
"From the ashes we rise
From the mud we bloom
We are all from the stars
Guiding each other home”
Diary excerpts
Made it to Lima. Lonely eve walking the ghostly Peruvian coastline. Woke up crying from trying to survive the open seas of nightmares that bash me against the shores of ghastly mistakes I’ve made along the way to the lonely, ghostly Peruvian coastlines.
Left the LV, rolex, diamond rings and all my other ‘prized’ possessions behind. Strangely easy living out of a backpack. Showing me the fallacy of past pursuits that I gave my soul over for. Proving to me that despite my desperate attempts to belong I don’t. Not anymore. And it feels strangely fucking awesome. And awesomely fucking strange.
Jules just had her first baby and brought a second home. Alex got a big job promotion and brought a home. Marie just graduated from design school and had a baby moving to Brooklyn. I’m departing for the Amazon jungle without health insurance or a return ticket.
The scene is a picture of Amazon perfection- straw hut with no electricity and a mosquito net by the river. A view of the calm waters and humble fishing men doing their ancient work. Thick jungle air and orchestra of jungle creatures which gets deafening loud at night under a wild starry sky. This is heaven but I can only feel hell inside trying to get out and break apart every beautiful thing I’m looking at.
HOLY UNSPEAKABLE EXPERIENCE- 2am and I’m covered in shit, snot, and tears with a tiny feeling of hope. Deep in my shadow of ancient and terrible pains I’ve crawled into my initiation with a bang. Drugged and drug to a dark underworld. A fallen angel was pulled from my back. I saw darkness leave my body. I died and was reborn in the same moment. I desperately wanted to get the fuck out at all costs. I hated everyone in the room. Moaning, vomiting, screaming, chanting, dancing. What is happening. I can’t go on.
I feel like shit. Headaches. Cry at the drop of a hat. Want to go back to my life of beaches and bubbles. The worst is yet to come I fear. So sick of vomiting and crawling to the outhouse toilet. Otherwise known as the hole in the ground guarded by faithful spiders and other creepy crawlies.
Ceremony eve. I’m sweating and shaking. Can you believe I now live in a world where I don’t want to do drugs??? My last refuge cruelly taken from me.
Seeds need water and sunshine to grow. My full responsibility to my incredible body that I’ve taken for granted. I’ll try keep my temple garden safe while my maestro and these magical plants work their natural sorcery. Together we will marry my shadows with my soul.
I suppose I’ve been living in the realms of hungry ghosts so long the light is having a hard time finding me. I’ve been such a good host to the darkness why would it want to leave!
Eagles cry out in the sky as I walk towards my destiny. Feet don’t fail me now.
Hours of vomiting and darkness. I can manage to get to the toilet and back now without landing in someone’s vomit bucket. What progress! I don’t care what happens to me anymore. Between the fasting, meditation, lack of any excitement I’m reduced to pure acceptance of this strange program. “Tune in. Drop out”.
Days fly. Beans and rice taste delicious. I imagine a world not needing anything but a hut in the jungle and a clean diet.
I feel infinite and pure. I’ll never hurt myself or those around me again.
luceat lux vestra
(Let your light shine)
Learning to accept my darkness is key. Then we can start to unite my broken parts and make progress. Infinite unknowns. Infinity of laughless crowds.