A Journey into the heart of my darkness

After leaving NYC I drifted to Indonesia, Phillipians, Australia, Hong Kong, and hurt myself badly with a disastrous relationship with a deeply disturbed man from Copenhagen which had me living in Denmark for six months. Exhausted and scared I went home to the SF and after the full moon eclipse in Oregon moved to Maui for nine months. Rebirth.

Maui healed me to a point of being able to take next steps. I was still drifting further and further from my heart’s intent I finally booked my trip to Peru, Pullculpa for my 10 day silent aya retreat. Bold move for a gal who had existed on a diet of men, booze, and cigs for the majority of her adult life. Never one to meditate. Never one to live in the jungle after years of 5 star hotels and lifestyle. Never one to take her soul seriously with total mind body separation, ego driven madness. I was off to Aya healing retreat with no health insurance, back up plan, or idea what lay ahead. Into the deep, deep, wild.

Had I known what lay ahead I may have thought twice. Despite years of pro level experience in all-nighters with cocktails of mixed narcotics this was next level shit beyond any rappers lyrics. Coming in hot after nine months on Maui, Hawaii, where my daily activities existed around which hotel bar I’d spend the day at and hanging around fire circles smoking Maui Wowie. A little scuba and yoga sprinkled in but hardly worth mentioning.

Def not in navy seal condition reporting for soul duty.

Working with plant medicine

First comes the dieta. The two week pre-cleanse before you join is hard. Especially in the face of no toothpaste, deodorant, insect repellent, soap and other personal care products unless they are made with 100% natural ingredients and are free of any scent or perfume. No sex or masturbation and are forbidden to eat pork, oil, salt, chocolate, red meat, sugar and certain fruits such as papaya, watermelon and mango. We must also not drink caffeine or alcohol. Women are advised not to begin a dieta when they’re menstruating as this may make it difficult for the plant spirit to enter their body, causing dissonance and discomfort to both the woman and the plant.

The plants themselves we still no very little about. Apparently 1% are known and worked with regularly from the mystic Amazon jungles. The king of plants, Ayahuasca, is a brew that combines the leaves of the Psychotria viridis plant boiled together with the Banisteriopsis caapi vine. Neither of these components has any power on their own, but together they are psychedelic. The ayahuasca brew contains DMT, a psychedelic chemical structurally similar to serotonin, and which also occurs endogenously in the human brain. Magic shit really. Two innocent plants/roots become wildly active when combined. The arc of consciousness sending out probes via these random but destined vines and plants to change our perspective on the “blue pill/red pill world” we took for solid. Most shamans work with a few other plants that have compatible effects of opening the heart more or crown chakra activation. The Shipibo tribes often work with Noya Rao, known in Spanish as “Palo Volador” or “The Flying Tree” is a mythical plant, of which there are only three found in the entire Amazon Basin. When shed, her leaves glow brightly in the dark, which is one reason why she is also known by those that seek her as “The Tree of Light.”

I wrote this on May 28th, 2018- a week prior to going in…

From today I put words to my quest.  For it is not a new one but newly tooled with nearly four decades of mini-quests that paved the rugged road to now.  

A quest was a zelda game.  A mad explorer.  A psychedelic hippy.  

At some point having grown up in the carnivals of the northern territory in the outback of Australia and having transitioned many times all the way to Global digital director at Louis Vutton Moet Hennessy, I figure 'quest' is appropriate term.  

This quest is different as the 20 something year old was corporately driven machine that adapted her mind and moments entirely to the cause.  Became one with the machine of Manhattan no matter what the cost of the demand.  

Now I'm softer in nature, smarter by experience, and looking for something entirely different.  More-like seeking something I can't even quite put a name to.  And cannot plan for as I cannot see.  The map is still developing and I currently sit on my Maui lanai with the sounds of the ocean lulling me away to another place and time.  I can't imagine what I look like in a few months.  Deep in the amazon jungle, far from my Hawaiian paradise of comparative on-demand luxury and novelty.  

A quest honouring our human instinct to explore what lies beyond, below, and above.  A quest that continues what my ancestors have done since the dawn of timE. A quest for standing up for something that is chosen by you and shared with the world.  Manefest destiny with your design all over it.  

WALKABOUT

Soon it is time to pack up the aloha spirit of exploring the seas by day and mai tais under starry skies by night.  I'm not exactly bootcamp'd for this next adventure. Purposefully lost in a land I know nothing about with no plans other than a one-way ticket and an idea of going upstream to meet my sharman.  Then let’s see what help needs to be done in the area or surrounding villages.  If not, I'll move to where the information points to next.  Having zero language skills and understanding of the Amazon best approach is to get to a hub and figure out the next couple of options and go with what your gut instinct.  Though I can't help feel my shitty Thailand tourist tactics are not relevant in this case.  So going in with open (sweaty) palms and (racing) heart. 

I've signed the digital agreement that will soon consume and cement everything that is very real on a 12 days silent ayahuasca retreat.  Starting to read all the things I can't do and left wondering outside air and water what remains?? 

Intentions going in- 

Clear my space 

Connect with the source

Join my parts, integrate with the whole

Tools and connections to sustain ongoing

To be able to listen to my gut as my guide

Questions for shaman-

Show me my truth

Where does my fear come from

Why cant I love purely 

Show me my love 

How do I live my best version